entries

many things have plagued me the last few weeks; five weeks, for your timeline. i'm not quite sure what to do about this. i'm not usually conflicted on the status of my relationship with my only friend, my friend i've been disgustingly close with since the fourth grade. unfournately, though, its come into question as of late, starting back a few months back. his catholic mother forbode him from speaking from me, and seeing as she had already pulled him from school to attend our ex charter school, he was totally lost to me. the internet was no help in aiding us as his mother dug through electronic communication, and again, he was lost to me.

for those few weeks, i didn't see him at all. i didn't speak to anyone my age. that period brought out terrible things in me, and over and over again i seep back into it and it's all i've ever wanted (besides him.) my whole life, practically, i've been seeking the same enjoyment being around him brings me, and i've never been isolated from him so intensely i was forced to truly find it elsewhere. i felt turned down, like he was obligated to me, even though i knew he wasn't going to be mine forever. prematurely i'd cry, suffocated by even the idea of losing him, the hallucinative cataracts of what would truly be 'the end' so close.

well, push came to shove, and with enough begging via spotify playlists of all things, i had secured my boy back into my corner. even since, i've know... merely..... a matter of time until my boy left again, and i'd be doomed. oh, if he found this, i fear he'd have nothing left to do with me. that frightens me. he's the only person who's ever given me the time of day, all the way back in the fourth grade... my awfulness then......

my mind seems to nearly blank whenever i recall being young. i have no memories of being young. in fact, i recall a memory, for example: i can recall in perfect detail the chill of the rushing air forcing itself past me, the result of the zipper going up and down and all-around just twelve feet away, a shy night at the fair. i wore a cotton pink zip-up collar sweater, the collar itself popped up around my neck. my hair was short, brown, and straight, and i remember feeling so big, like a teenager. i did not understand why my mother wouldn't allow me on the ride. i remember the heat of the food we ate, the slight tinge to my tongue every time molten cheese sizzled at me. and yet, i don't recall the bare bones of this situation, my age. my identity is lost, and i am begining to recognize where these parts of me go: to him. day after day, my thoughts are primarly consumed with him, and when they are not, my real life is consumed by him. i spend every day either with him, or thinking of him. if he presented newborn ideations, they would become of me, and with me. despite the fact he likely didnt approach me that day to forcefully indebt me forever, regardless, i think of it all the time, and i swallow my debt. each day that goes by with him is interest building. even when we are seperated, that interest does not die and it can never be paid. my entire life is his in a way i can't even begin to wrap my head around

oh, whatever. i have this sneaky feeling he does not care for me in the lengths i care for him. he is the only creature i've felt truly,, good for. not sympathetic, nor empathatic. even this cat i consistently call my son doesnt appeal to me quite like him. even with my cat, i occasionally sit back with him in my lap and imagine the consquences of gutting him, maybe throwing him hard at my mother. i learned a long time ago i can't control these thoughts, and that fighting them just upsets me, and there is no point in upsetting myself, because i know there is nothing i can do about it. i become napoelon. there is nothing we can do

today was an awful day,, i cannot describe the things i felt in anything other than an evil sense. i went to a full day of school with the boy, which was interesting but overall alright. that is not where the damage occured

throughout the day, continuing now, i am beginning to scare myself very deeply. today at lunch, i sat with my boy, eating our food of course, as we'd both realized we can get two sandwhiches out of the lunch line just by saying we want it, and we are never prone to getting our way simply because we say we want it... well i'm not..... i oblige to his every demand. if he tried to fuck me i would not stop that. anyway, while sitting eating our lunches, he began his loop of pleading with me to purchase him a cookie from the snack line. i told him no, and he gave me fifty cents... in what modernized america is a cookie fifty fucking cents? him and his stupid richness it kills me i get so angry and i dont like being angry, i dislike being angry more-so than i dislike being upset. it infuriates me. just this monday, he returned from his weekend cruise to the bahamas. i was homeless last weekend and he was on a fucking cruise lounging in the sun and for what? to get woman wet and old dudes boners? he fucking disgusts me his greed is unthinkable

him giving me only 50 cents was clearly him mocking me,,, he doesn't see me as valuable enough any longer and i know it for fact. he gave me fifty cents when a cookie is 1.50 to symbolize to me i am not good enough and cannot provide for him, i am awful and awful and evil and worthless without his praise and even with it, like tonight after this incident, i am still nothing but im speaking to him like we're too equal beings. we are not. if there is a god, i suspect it is him

"so andrew, why does this scare you?" you might ask, and to that i present you with the fact that again, without him, i am literally less than nothing. i am subhuman without this fuck on my arm dangling besides me and taunting me because he knows i cannot have him and even if i could, why would he ever want me? he jeprodaized his entire future just to hang out with me, and yes, maybe you might think this means he likes me, but i know the truth. im a fucking jester to him. whenever hes with me he can say whatever he wants to or about me, and he knows i wont say shit. if this were a sexual relationship, i'd be genuinely cuck-status.

oh, and another thing i feel like adding becauses it my fucking page is that i scared the shit out of myself at mcdonalds after school todau... whilst consuming my United States of Israel chemical slop, i glanced over my shoulder, and besides me was a tall man staring down at me,,, for a split second i looked back to my drink, but when i processed his presence i whipped my head around, and it was a fucking wet floor sign. im retarded Yes that is me retard #1 nobodys ever been a retard quite like me... sleepy joe tried but he was never the #1!! i was

oh, and again, more and fucking more... oh my jesus fucking christ. i hate fucking school. there isn't anything wrong with it, basically, my classes are easy and they aren't too bothersome, but im just so fucking. this is why i cut myself im going fucking crazy. all i do is slice and slit my goddamn wrists and thighs and bang my head against walls, force pills down my own throat and sulk in my fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck i like feeling sick in my body it is Good. i cant wait to cut tonight. however im so tired of school, all i do is wake up, go to school, come home, and sleep. when i was in that mcdonalds and frightened myself with The Man i'd already resigned myself to my factful fate: in that time, three hours, i spoke to no one, and by the end of those three hours i was angry at everyone, hated them, and thought about how i could ruin my life with violence in just a second, less than that, maybe, like that ukranian girl who got her shit rocked on that subway. i can ruin something

it's later now then when i last wrote, around ten pm, but i've thought some more and i believe i've cracked the code in a sense about the boy. since he is the only person to have ever given me the time of day, to have spoken to me without cruelty, to have fooled about with me without ripping my hair, biting me, clawing me, hurting me in some typical childlike way, i think i view him in the same lense the typical NT person views society... my life depends on how he views me, and this is a fact for your life is society. the average child is still learning the limitations of themselves, which means this is easily skewed based on their life experiences....... i was introduced to what i've been taught to feel as this great big thing called socalizing by the boy. instead of intregrating myself into socializiation myself as a child, i was handfed it; because of this, i rely on the boy as much as they rely on society. instead of laws dictating my behavior, he does. instead of social norms harrassing me, he does. its very cruel in the same way "The Real wORLD" is cruel

yet another day of school has passed... very quickly has this stupid blog become the only thing i think about doing when i come home. my personal journal is used much more scarcely now, and its mainly reserved for things i cant explain without putting knowledge that would identifiy me out there. anyway

the boy is being approached by a new addition and i'm growing more and more stressed. today i sat with them at lunch on the building six stairs (outdoor school) and the chemistry is undeniable. i told the boy i liked the new addition, but i'm shy nd would rather sit in the library alone while they enjoyed lunch and i only spoke to the boy at the start & end of the day. this is untrue. i'd rather keep him in my home and see him daily, maintaining enough power in My Home that it is not His Home and he is not in any of my spaces because theyre my spaces and if theyre my spaces theyre my stuff and my life and my belongings and not his space nor his stuff nor his life nor his belongings so he does not need to be there i dont think i'd like him there. i don't like his new friend hes annoying and they chat too sweetly. we don't talk like that

a few half decent things happened today........ i had an IEP meeting with the counseler & coach E (not his real name nor his real inital) which was okay. they called my mom since im 14 and she Verbally approved and consented to the meeting, and does not have any more questions or concerns for the appropiate administrative personel. that was strange I thought it was strange. anyways, now im allowed to leave class whenever i like for the rest of the class period and sit in the empty confrence room in the guidance wing and do my work there.. that is very nice. i even took notes today and managed to get some real work done. i usually can't manage to do math at all without leaving class to slice nd' dice. Mr Cutter is really funny lol i like that nickname from klebold for cutting, i approve of that message. so far nobody has harrassed me at school, at least not the teachers or any employees. tis' been very nice, i've even evaded having to dress out for physical education; that of course is good because I CUT MYSELF i am THEE cutter ever nobodys ever cut quite like me. i have THE deepest cuts ever YOU yes YOU have never cut as deep as me and you never will.... i hate the world valid but i'd genuinely lap the bodily fluids of anybody who used it on me like a kitten drinks from a bowl of milk before shitting itself to death

anywho its only a matter of time with my sites until i bring up the kids i fucking hate at school, but there is quite a few (i sound like dr suess.... but there isssss quiteee a FEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW),,, we'll go through my classes ranking what pissed me of the most so i can complain.. the entirety of my 7am college class (im a hs freshmen but apparently im intelligent) for political writing is full of fucking retards who happened to be competent enough to read on their testing last year and apparently thats all it takes to get in, so i suppose im not very smart. today one kid actually looked over at me, gawked, got his friends attention, and both asked if that was my "entire essay" in shock. i asked why and they said cuz we'd only been writing for a few minutes. i had HALF A PARAGRAPH NOT EVEN FIVE FUCKING SENTENCES on the paper. their entire essay concluded into about one seven sentence "paragraph"

the second incident today that annoyed me was this girl in my art class,,, this is further proof i am Evil but yesterday i was staring at her because shes simply so thin. I can't help it she is what the kids call thinspo today, except irl and impossible to miss. on one of her inner wrists she has one of those fuckass "break the cycle" tattoos but shes skinny and refuses food from anyone so presuming she had an eating disorder, i believe her to have relapsed. i genuinely fantasize about her and what i think her BMI might be, and the girl next to her is like her best friend of a similar visual body compisiton. quite nice. anyway today she looked less thin as she wasnt in her usual longsleeve. that genuinely upset me because that means i probably looked fatter that day since she looked like she gained weight and she likely eats less than me so that probably means i gained and LOOKED 10 pounds heavier, but likely gained around 15 pounds in phsyicality. moving on from thinking about girls bodies my other classes went okay save for phsyical education... because the boys fuckass FLING yes fling is apparently in my goddamn class. because of this i understood immedaitly he had been watching me in that class the entire time, and its still debated via me wether his encrouching on the boy was intentional or not, but regardless, he fucking knew who i was previously. this means i can no longer slack off during pe.. because anything i do is reported back to my boy and that is fucking cruel of him

anyway im tired of writing,, im tired of talking about anything i dont know what to do anymore. moms ordering me my confuse hoodie soon (theyre a pretty good band theyre on bandcamp very good) which is good because i cant stop wearing my one hoodie every day. i dont think im going to school tommorrow, i'm gonna stay home and cut a lot............ very tired and you know what who FUCKING CARES if the boy leaves me i'll just kill myself anyway and then he'll feel bad and ill explicitly state in my note, assuming i leave one, which i will if he leaves me so i can note this, that he left me and caused me to do this, so he wont be able to pretend he likes me and knew me nicely

today is the 13th. I like the 13th. many good things have happened on the thirteenth, and many bad things... regardless of their conotations, many things in my life have happened on the 13th. for example, i was born on the 13th..... obviously that was a bad thing. i bought a coyote skull on the 13th last year. The Boy momentairly left me about a year ago on the 13th, the night before valentines day. what a fucking asshole i hope he dies

i'm only writing today because its the 13th, but i don't actually have anything to say... i never do on the weekends. like i said before, my life is nothing without the boy and he hardly ever picks up the phone over the weekends. i updated my site: theres an artwork section now. i hate my art about as much as everything else. i'm waiting to submit this essay i wrote before i cut again, because currently, if i was hypothetically sent to the mental hospital they wouldn't know i cut myself besides the scars because i have no open wounds as of tonight. however, my blades arent even a foot away from me and whenever i don't cut i get this awful stomach ache and restlessness in my body. i wanted to go walking like i typically do but i found even then i slipped my razors into my pocket, and out there is overrun with woods. i could slit my wrists and never be found for days in there. animals would feed off me......... . . . they'd pick off my flesh and skin until all that'd be left was bone, yellow,dull bone, free of restraints. rotation and such, angles, things that uhhh move. something something bones something something uhmmmmmmmmm. mom wants me to go back to therapy and im not taking my sertaline but i told my doctor i was. i took it for a bit and it made me not socially anxious but it made me the opposite of what they want from me, i'm pretty sure. i was still upset constantly but in a way i couldn't tell them. i had no anxiety, i just wanted to die. i couldn't keep the image of getting splattered by some asshole senior in a car out of my mind whilst crossing the street. that would make me unhappy, happy in the fact i would die, but unhappy in the fact they'd get off on an accident. if i'm going to ruin someones life i want to be the malicious pepetrator. i am so tired of being a victim

vic·tim [ˈviktəm] noun victim (noun) · victims (plural noun) a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action: "victims of domestic violence" · "earthquake victims" a person who is tricked or duped: "the victim of a hoax" a living creature killed as a religious sacrifice: "sacrificial victims for the ritual festivals"

that's hardly me in any sense but yet they won't stop pushing the fucking label. if anyones a goddamn victim in this situation, its the people im around, the people i cant Mercy because im a coward, because i dont wanna push deep enough, dig steel into my skin hard enough. because im too much a pussy to take my mothers sig and take care of the late-term abortion i know she wished she could've gotten. shes waiting on me to die thats why she wont help me, "they wont take you if you dont have a plan" as though unless i am dead they wont acknowledge me but they will i know they will because they took my brother but of course I am Not My brother and all i can do is swallow the fucking abuse he shipped off to me. i can feel his hands every day

i'm such a fucking stereotype i don't know what to do at this point. i want to sleep but im so paranoid i cant sleep. i swear someone flashed a light in my bedroom window just a few minutes ago. im watching stupid fucking youtube to calm down but it isnt helping. pyschosis & schizophrenia runs in the family and i used to abuse benadryal or however you spell it (God why didnt i just buy real drugs or raid the med cabinet theres no reason to do that stupid shit when there was more to have) and fuck myself up and i think this contributes. i can barely even write or think straight when i get these ideas into my head. I went around the house and turned all the lights on like a child and it didnt help im still scared. my closet is wide open with the light on and somehow ive still got a shiver nd a fright

anyway, does anyone wish they almost were a nazi? i have nothing against jewish people for their jewishness (?) just their humanness, and i suppose i've got an extra anger for the isreali goverment just because if america were to ever become the glory we promised her, we'd have to hammer them into the ground, but regardless i nearly envy them. its so easy having one group to blame everything on, and with the generalizations of these people, it might as well be one singular person. Oy Voy, i present, The Jew. not to mention how fuckng cool that flag is. lazy, yes, but its the ultimate ragebait for some reason. my biggest shame to them is that they're simply just lame. they rely entirely on the idea they are greater as europeans/germans than jews or whatever, but somehow the jews control them and everything. in a world where you can write an ideology that makes you the best, and you did do that, why not just write yourself of The Jew? why not just become thee most powerful on earth, if you clearly have the capabilites? i know it is an endless loop of poor justification of their part, just like the jewish religion and all religions... this is spurred on mainly because i found a cool gif of a dude smoking a cig with his legs up on his college dorms' desk, but in the background twas the nazi flag presented quite proudly; from a film, i guess. i would've used it but i can't be bothered to take the nazi allegations. as a small child, i was friends with this non respectable young man, a fat white kid with short brown hair buzzed around the edges with thick black glasses and a round face. he wore kakis and the uniform shirt every day. i see him every now and again around school now, always in the same khakis but this time a blue polo shirt. it interests me. we've grown to the same stature via height. regardless, as young children i paraded around besides him proclaiming my nazi-ism, saluting and proclaiming death to dirty jews and what not... around the mere age of five or six years old. daily i wonder what was happening in his home life, and if he was like Me. it seems social conditoning today has told everyone not to admit they're Like Me.

i suppose there is nothing to actually tie me to nazism nor attracts me besides simply being able to align myself with a group, and allow myself to pretend nothing i do is of my faults, and is instead caused and planned by someone i can blame everything on, and celebrate anything good that happens to me as a win against them, beating their skewed statistics. i don't actually care about jews, i thik i said that before already.. its' just funny, immaculate ragebait as the kiddies might say. almost as funny as writing "*OWO, *notices bulge,* whats this?" on the bullet casing like that tyler dude did when he clapped kirk

anyway im adding gifs/photos to my journal page and im trying to find a matching size nd b&W gif to go on the right of my dahmer nd bundy one, but i cant fucking find any im actually tweaking. anywho, i made this age 5 days ago and 100 something people have viewed it, that, or one person had viewed it a hundred something times. i'm not sure... i don't know how this site works..... all my interest in it and yet i still dont know how to work this thang. like six people have looked at my guestbook, but nobodys commented! GIVE ME ATTENTION! GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW! DO YOU THINK I PUT THIS ALL OUT HERE FOR NO ATTENTION??????????????!!!?!?!!?!!????????? NO! obviously i want attention! who are You to deny me it? if i wanted to be ignored, i would've stayed in real life and never ran off to this, my little fantasy world. i would've just remained limp as ever throughout my time on this earth, reclusive, tired. i also added d/k's crosses to my front cover so thats fun as EVER

oh, i remember when my mom raided my tumblr the first time. apparently she found out because a photo of some cuts on my inner wrist popped up on our SHARED FUCKING CAMERA ROLL!! if you didn't wanna see that, then unsync our fucking phones. thats all it takes. ive been trying to get rid of that forEVER and just can't figure it out because im retarded. and if you're wondering why im writing so much tonight its because the boy wont reply and i dont have anyone else to talk to but im restless because i wont let myself cut,,, especially cuz i wanna do a kinda deeper cut later on either forearm, subcutaneous depth preferablly but i'll take baby subcu if i have too.

"we are your sons, we are your husbands, and we grew up in regular families."

"sure, i get angry. i get very, very angry and indignant. i don't like being locked up for something i didn't do, and i don't like my liberty taken away, and i don't like being treated like an animal, and i don't like people walking around and ogling me like i'm some sort of weirdo, because i'm not."

"society wants to believe it can identify evil people, or bad or harmful people, but it's not practical. there are no stereotypes."

"yet, in reality, ted loved things more than he loved people. he could find life in an abandoned bicycle or an old car, and feel a kind of compassion for these inanimate objects, more compassion than he could ever feel for another human being." (not a quote from bundy, but from ann rule on bundy.)

"true, he may be a good cop, feeds his dog alpo, and he doesn't eat his young alive, but my empathy for him ends there."

i think he knows better than anyone, someone who seems to breath in the flesh suit of one of them, what they think. guess who that one is about?

cutting more, left arm getting the brunt of it. "brunt of it" like it isnt getting ALL of it

i cant believe how fucking good ive gotten at being an entirely different person where i feel its required. school me is nothing like home me. mom me is nothing like dad me, grandma me is nothing like grandfather me, and me me is nothing like ME me

i lack the construction to explain it properly but it pisses me off real bad. i can feel it in my fucking throat and my heart and my head and my sternum every time somebody opens their mouth, in my directon or not, and intends to speak to me because we all know they're too stupid to speak TO me, and instead can only talk AT this concrete pillar of shyness, this big, awkward 14 year old 5'11 giant who pretends not to know what to do with itself. i DO know what to do with myself but id be sent away if i took the trash out

everything makes me angry even tho i suppose i have no reason to be angry. i am privleged. I, me yes me, I feed my dog alpo. i dont eat my young alive. i am a very good boy and i take what i am given and share the majorty. i am a very good boy and mother says so. mother says so much and her and her fucking therapy clients enrage me. she refers to them like little fucking house plants, the mormon depressed little girl, the bipolar xanax addict, god she sees me like that doesnt she? she talks about me behind my back. it's hardly behind my back because im an animal andm y back is inline with my spine and i can crane my ears into airplanes and hear every fucking thing she says. it'd be over for me if she ever found this site, i remember when she found my tumblr nd tore my shit apart im so angry about that cant i ever have something for myself? NO I CANT AND I KNOW THAT and yet i still fucking ask! i need to stop asking ill never have anything ever if i just sit and twiddle my thumbs and smile and make eye contact behind my Greasy bangs at teachers who dont care who i personalize to fit What I need because all i ever do is look at what I need and never but i need to do to get my shit together

like at that fair i talked about from when i was a little kid i just wanted people to like me my whole fucking life is warping so that people LIKE me. i dont actually have a self and im so afraid and i dont think anyone is afraid with me. "i know why you let me to die / i'm so tired, ive fallen ill inside // and i can't explain this urge to tear you open // i cant control this will no longer // i'm destined to hate you" (- big fat macho man by sap) cant i ever just be myself? im her perfect little soldier and she never has to raise my pay. in fact, shes programmed me so well she doesnt even have to dock my pay because i take no fucking pay. i pay her in my life and my soul and my heart and my IMMACULATE FUCKING GRADES I HAVE ALL A'S AND ONE C AND YET IM STILL RETARDED. YET I STILL CANT DO IT.

sorry 4 being so dtiracted when writing lately im js vomiting onto this blog but i think my one true truth in life is that i deserve to be hurt. it fits all my objectieves

when i cut i WANT to be hurt, and i should always get what i WANT, and so i deserve to be hurt. when i want the boy i DONT want to be hurt, and i should NEVER get what i want/i never get what i want in general so i shouldnt be hurt, if that makes sense

i've figured it out! i've cracked this evil code "they think im going to be a serial killer. im not. i'd rather kill myself" - by cobain i believe

the kids at school, their preemptive hate, it comes from not just their brains but ive realized they HAve the ability to SEE THE FUTURE. they can see my future and they are PITYING me, they are giving me mercy and ive hated them for so long for this mercy! i will be miserable until i die NOT because of their actiosn but because this is my fate and my brains instution is suicide. its simply what will happen, yes? well if that is 1, and the human instinct to "help others" if i choose to assume so for this equation, is another 1, then 1+1 = 2, with 2 being their human instinct taking shape and them making the choice to MERCY me by humilating me, by isolating and pretending to hate my, by fronting their primial foundational disregard towards me, because the truth is I WILL be miserable until i die. by accelerating and intensifying my misery, i will end up dying sooner, more likely than not at my own hands, and thus, they are bringing me mercy in the same way a killer killing me would bring me mercy. they PITY me and because of such, they Know that only i can save myself in death. they are doing their best to help me and god, i just cant believe it! it's a good thing for all of us!

i should've seen it sooner, to be fair. when The Boy called me "mr cat scratches," i should've seen the theatrics of it, like something truly out of a fucking high school movie or PSA short film on youtube and it was obvious now it was rehearsed, but alas foresight is 20/20 and i'm a fucking retard, and a mean one at that

P.S. does anybdoy actually read all this? i frequently visit other tcc personal blogs/journals nd read those because i enjoy seeing others writings, which is a lie i like making myself feel bad about not being as miserable as them or doing the things they do or writing and feeling the way they do. Can you tell this blog is another persona? is it obvious in how fucking quick i change my writing style, my pacing, my thoughts? how obvious is it? can someone please just feed into my fucking thoughts for once GOD all i want is attention and its disgusting, i should be taken out back and shot.

oh, and on the boy:

i can hardly manage to be angry about it anymore. i see him, whenever i happen to see him because it used to be daily but i can feel myself getting fewer and farther in-between, and i just see this brightness, this softness i cant explain. it makes me so happy to be around him. i dont breath in his perfume or feel his warm skin against my own, i have no closeness with him. i watch as he tugs his other friends into his hugs and collapses onto their shoulders in laughter, and all i can think about is the cold concrete courtyard i sit on, where ive sat alone since practically the start of the school year, alone again, time and time again. i really hate the word "again." it makes me so _____, not the word again but the boy. hes so warm and friendly and i follow him around school and smile with his friends and laugh at their jokes and maybe even make one of my own, to which they usually chuckle and the boy ignores. i dont think he thinks im real, and i think whatever he thinks and so ive resigned myself to just being a side piece of sorts. sort of like. hmmmmmmmmmm. im like the chain that holds the strap to a pretty purse. im metal and im there and tho im ugly, tho im stiff and distracting and hurt your eyes when somethng bright like the sun or the boy reflects off me, i hold something to something, i tether myself to the boy who tethers me in unwilling proxy to the world.

i guess at the end of the day i just want what loving him repersents, and i dont know what it repersents because ive never had it. love is a two way street, and on the otherside of my street is just trees, endless, endless trees. a forest. theres nothing in there for me. im so far down south on this road that nothing has been built in asphalt, its a dirt road, theres no tire tracks through it, its just plush moss im destroying as usual with my lumbering veichle. i dont know where im going and i have four flat tires for four tires

i know i could love him if he let me, and im so far past even considering forcing him to love me. i know he wont, so whats the point? i suffer so he doesnt have to. i throw his trash away so he doesnt have to. i buy him cookies so his mother doesnt have to, his mother whos denounced me and hates me for taking her beatiful son away from her, her wonderful dreams of grandparenthood, of marrying him to a pretty woman some day. everything i do is for him and he hates me more still, still rehearses with the others to make the biggest wound. i wonder what his pay is for this

i'd like to speak to him, and to explain my feelings nd shit like that like everyone says but every time i try to be truthful he blows me off, tells me "whatever." i told him i wasnt gonna be able to buy the chips he wanted nd that i didnt wanna buy him chips anymore cuz im broke and it makes me feel like shit when i cant fufill my promise, yes? and he said "whatever" and "js bring me the chips bro" FUCK YOU all your fucking progress and you're still just like your dad. he's going to abandon me as his father abandoned him you goddamn runner I WANT TO BE DOMESTIC WITH YOU

november 17th, 2025

i just want friends i dont know what to do and this blog cant help me

day after day passes nd i sit entirely alone and worthless. humans are social creatures, without socalization or acknowledgment we cannot live for anything, and without "anything" we shall die and our death will mean nothing. i miss my boy and i miss the sound of his shoes on the black top back in elementary school, the warmth of the sun as we'd sit in the center of the empty blacktop. i'd close my eye and he'd close his and after a moment i'd speak, and i'd get no response. my eyes would open and i'd find he'd have run off and i'd stand, flushed and embarassed, and wander back to the bench in the overhangs shadow of the school porch and sit, at that lonesome bench which was made of fake wood and faced the concrete wall, and i would sit, alone. all i have ever been is alone

i worked so hard to stay in favor of him. despite the poverty and homelessness i regularly suffer under, if suffering can even be used as the title for all i do is live in it, this scarcity is unbearable. i feel i can't do it, that i can't survive this loneliness. i cry at night and i cry now, at a lame 11 pm, when the kids that taunt me at school and lap me in any and everything would be out and about, and i see the boy is online on social media and yet i never get a text. i downloaded instagram so we could speak without the eyes of his mother at his request and he doesnt even have notifcations on for the damn thing. his other friends have his phone number, his touch, his warmth and affection. i felt i worked so hard, at least, that i deserved something, but i see now how quickly that well dries up. i'll be back here tomorrow, feeling entirely different. any evidence i have that he truly enjoyed me because he REALLY liked ME fades further every day. he has all these choices now, all these people, a whole new high school, and i don't matter anymore, not at all. he's always looked better next to me and even now, in his profound beauty, that warmth has simmered into heat and he doesn't love me anymore. its impossible to love something foul like me, and all i've done is waste his time. back in elementary school, even then these roots showed in the way he never touched me. nobody touches me. i haven't felt skin in so long. i dream of one day finding someone who isn't afraid to touch me, isn't afraid to hear me, to speak to me, isn't afraid of me. today is not that day

anyone reading this must understand the gravity of the situation. i love him more than i love anything else in the world. all i want is him,because i fear at the core of it he is me, and without him i will die. im okay with dying until it dawns on me, breaks through my selfishness, that all i am is him. i hate the way he makes me feel but at its core what he makes me feel is the only thing i have ever felt. if i die, a chunk of him will die. a cruel part, maybe, the residue of him, negatively, but something of him still dies and all i want is for him to live. im so scared of falling asleep one day if he ever decides he needs me, and im not there. im so scared of not being there

i dont even need "friends" i'd just like a friend

i wish i had the balls to ask him to talk up-front. if this is to end i'd rather it end quick and properly. fading out is a very ugly way for this beautiful thing to die, and i'm so tired of waiting. i sit on those cold stairs, in the overhead shadow just like i did all those years ago, and i stare at the wall and lay in wait, hoping he'll come around. this is a very ugly way to die